Cancer can affect your friendships. Some relationships may grow stronger, and others may fade.
What your friends may be thinking
Chances are, your friends have never had a friend with cancer, and some may not know how to react. It can help to understand what your friends may be thinking:
- If they are avoiding you, they may not know what to say or worry about saying the wrong thing.
- If they avoid mentioning your cancer, they may be afraid of upsetting you.
- If they aren't calling you, it may be because they think you won't feel like talking.
- If they aren't inviting you to be a part of activities, they may think you won't be able to go or they may feel guilty about having fun when you're sick.
- If they aren't visiting you, they may think you don't want visitors or worry about any potential awkward moments during the visit.
Don't be afraid to take the lead and call your friends or invite them over. Plan activities that you feel comfortable doing, and your friends will probably have a better understanding of what you are able to do with them.
Communicating with your friends
Because your friends probably don't know much about cancer, you can begin by explaining about your cancer and treatment. First, decide what you want your friends to know. You may want to tell your good friends a lot, but just tell your casual friends something simple like, "I have cancer, but I'm getting treatment and will be OK." Chances are, your friends aren't going to bring up your cancer, so discuss it when you feel ready. The more open you are with your friends, the more opportunity they have to be supportive and accepting.
If you're nervous about talking with your friends, decide ahead of time what you want to say. Remember that you are in charge of what you tell people, so you don't have to tell anyone until you're ready, and you don't have to say more than you want to. Answer your friends' questions with as much information as you are comfortable giving.
Ways your friends can help
Your friends will want to help you, but some may not know how. Be honest about what you need and what they can do to help.
- Ask them to keep calling you, even if you don't always feel like talking.
- Ask them to keep inviting you to things. Even if you can't always go, you'll go when you can.
- If you can't go out, ask some friends over to watch a movie or just hang out together.
- Ask friends to visit you in the hospital—give them a heads up on what to expect, especially if you look different or you're hooked up to medical equipment.
- If you can't see your friends, ask them to keep in touch through e-mail, letters, or the phone.
- Tell your friends that sometimes all you need is for them to listen.
- Remind them that even though you may look different on the outside, you're still the same on the inside.
Accepting changes
Your friendships are likely to change, but many changes will be positive. You may be closer to some of your friends and find it easier to talk about important things. You may also find that the experience of cancer changes you somewhat—you may become more serious about school or more interested in science or helping people. You may make new friends whose interests are more like yours. You may also make friends with other teenagers with cancer who are more likely to understand your experiences.
Despite your efforts, some friendships will fade. You may lose some friends but strengthen relationships with others or make new friends.
Additional resources
2bMe: Social Circles
Teens Living With Cancer: Dealing With Others
Reprinted with permission from the American Society of Clinical Oncology. All Rights Reserved. |
